One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
