I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
