Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
