Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
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