I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
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