I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Randomize
