I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
