masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
