I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Randomize
