Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
