3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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