Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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