I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
