something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
