The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Randomize
