then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize