Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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