I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
