Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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