Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
