The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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