can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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