she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Randomize
