roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
