tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
