New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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