i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
