Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
