I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
