Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
