When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
