I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
that may or may not have been my penis.
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