On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
