i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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