i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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