Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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