If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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