Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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