I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
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