I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
