You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize