Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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