Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize