I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
