There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
