you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
