Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
