I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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