I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
