you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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