I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
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