I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
