your parents love me but you hate me
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
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