all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
