just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
