His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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