Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
