Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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