I'm going to jail i love you
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
The uberlube is also flammable
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
