i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
