the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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