May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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