woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
