I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
