I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
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