This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
